Modes: Single Player
Released: Jul. 12, 2011
OnLive: Elizabeth Find MD: Diagnosis Mystery Review
Stopped laughing yet? Good. This game is a game. There, that is the best thing I can possibly say about it, right from the opening high point of a full screen ESRB warning about a “Tobacco Reference” things steadily go down hill. I went into this game not having the slightest clue what it was about, I had some suspicions but they turned out to be way off base…
The basic plot of the game is you play the titular “Elizabeth Find MD”. Now I just figured that her name was a pun on the fact Doctors find out whats wrong with you and the subtitle to the game “Diagnosis Mystery” was a pun on thefantastic show Diagnosis Murder (starring the entire Van-Dyke family), and therefore the game would be some kind of attempt at a crime solving physician. I was wrong however, INCREDIBLY WRONG.
Launching the game presents you with a horrific daytime TV style soap opera opening that introduces the cardboard (in appearance and personality) characters to you. Once it’s finally over you have a selection of three cases and two play modes (Timed or Relaxed) and after a small bit of exciting narrative in the form of some text boxes under some static images (“I’m a woman”, “I’m sarcastic”, “I work too hard”, “My boyfriend loves me”, “I smoke outside the hospital, it’s so ironic”.. yawn) you get presented with your first case.
Now forgive me for expecting that I would now get to perhaps diagnose someone, oh heck no, you get a massive list of weird shit that’s kicking around the screen and you have to “Find” it. Get it? Elizabeth Find is so-called because she finds Aubergines on the ward! To be fair you do have a small selection of medical tools you can use on the patient but nothing really occurs until you “Find” all the random stuff kicking around the room.
Once I’d successfully found a Samurai Mask, Toy Soldier, Centipede and a Moth another doctor turned up and waffled at me for a bit and then I went to my office. But wait, whats this. MY DESK IS COVERED IN RANDOM ITEMS. OH GOD I MUST FIND SOME ITEMS ON MY DESK. HOW WILL I DO THIS. Oh wait, I’m Elizabeth Find M.D. I can find my Spoon, Brush, Random Plant and Turnip myself.
Excitingly finding the plant triggered some tedious “dramatic” conversation between me and another Doctor (Annoying TalkyMcWoman MD?) and they went through some tedious soap opera drama about her boyfriend having to work away.
It was at this point I realized this is perhaps a game for morons, small children who got confused and launched the game by accident or people who really love daytime TV. Determined to plow on I found my last Spoon and got presented with this screen:
Yes that’s right, find more shit while the patient lies there about to die. Then a realization hit me, if this is a game targeted at morons then why do I have to find an Otoscope? I don’t even know what one is and I’ve got an IQ above that of a moron (I hope?)
After finding the junk AGAIN. I got bored when presented with some weird moral about the long-term effects of MRI scans and quit the game, never to return.
For anyone who really cares, its keyboard and mouse only, the graphics are pretty much all static images, there’s no voice acting and I’m losing the will to live…
TLDR: Love finding weird items? Like looking at still images of people in beds? Believe the medical profession is based around finding Aubergines? This is the game for you…
I just honestly don’t get who this game is aimed at, or even who would enjoy it. But I look forward to the rest of the titles that could come out of this exciting naming convention:
- Professor Archibold Ate PHD: Thesis Ravenous
- Judge Marvin Paint: Verdict Emulsion
For your benefit here’s the formula to making a similar game:
Job Title + First Name + Verb then a colon followed by a word related to the job title then a word related to the Verb you chose.
Then simply get some static pictures of things related to the above words add some text and you have yourself a game!